bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
