it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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