I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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