I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
