My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just threw up on my dentist
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
