Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
