i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
