Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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