he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
