When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
