I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
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Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
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feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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