just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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