um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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