Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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