Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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