T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
