I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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