MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
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