We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
There's always time for handjobs
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Randomize
