Cold hands, warm shart.
4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
