Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
So much rum. So many feels.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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