she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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