The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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