We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
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