im drinking this country out of the recession.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
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