I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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