Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
