You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
