Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
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