i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
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