If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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