mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
