I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
