I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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