You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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