fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
