Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
How external is "for external use only"?
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
