I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
