dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
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Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
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Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
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