I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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