I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
