if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
