worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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