I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
