Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
