I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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