shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
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