Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
