Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
