Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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