Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
