I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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