Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
