I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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