No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
