I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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