wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
