Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Swine flu. Run for my life!
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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